Blog 8: “number four with a bullet”

What it really comes down to is that one of the best parts about my job is experiencing food all over the place. My company will pay for my meals while I am out of town, assuming of course that the amount I spend is reasonable. This has afforded me the luxury to try a lot of different foods and expand the overall smorgasbord of things that I enjoy to consume. Sometimes I don't like what I get and when I am in America, I can just hop on over to a Taco Bell and still come in close to my food allowance for the day.

Up until this point, all of my traveling has been in the United States or Canada. Outside of Canadian's difficulty pronouncing words like “socks” (sawks), “sorry” (sore-ee), and “about” (a boat), there really is not anything too adventurous about being there. Sore-ee a boat ripping a hole in your sawks, buddy! One time I tried to have a serious (or maybe slightly drunken) conversation about the pronunciation of the word “socks” with some Canadians, real Canadians, the ones that live about eight hours north of the border. We shot back and forth how we would pronounce the word. Finally I looked over at Carl, my co-worker, and said “Okay, so how do you pronounce 'socks'?” What I should have seen was the massive bus coming that Carl was going to toss me under. He looks back with a straight face and says “Sawks, of course.” Fantastic. Canada – 1, America – 0. Don't even get me started on when we started arguing over the word “hockey.” I'm fairly confident I automatically lost that one since they pretty much invented the sport. Stupid hawkey. Canada – 2, America – 0.

Before getting into the food at the hotel, the plant, and things like that, I want to talk about foods that are common to both India and America. You can find potato chips, soft drinks like Pepsi and Coke, and bottled water like Aquafina in India with no problem. First off, the Aquafina tastes exactly the same as it does back home so that is not very exciting. The Pepsi, on the other hand, tastes different. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but it seems to have a more earthy taste to it, like there is something extra herb-y about it. That, or one of the ingredients is dirt. I have purposely only had two cans of Pepsi here for that reason. I did have a Diet Pepsi and it tasted a lot more like the Diet Pepsi that I know and love. Weird. I did check the nutrition label to read the ingredients and there were only four: carbonated water, sugar, natural and artificial flavors, and citric acid. I think I can say that dirt might fit under the heading “natural flavors.” Under that, there is the giant warning “CONTAINS CAFFEINE.” That's just in case you didn't know that most sodas contain caffeine.

Potato chips are one of those things that are extremely regional no matter where you go. The potato chip flavors are different in all countries to appeal more to the local tastes. Lays is specifically good at coming up with different flavors. For example, two flavors I found in Canada not available in America were All Dressed and Ketchup. First off, if you find All Dressed chips, buy them and love them. They are oil, onion, and red pepper flavored and one of the best chips flavors I've ever had. Ketchup, avoid that like the plague. It makes sense really, french fries get dipped in ketchup, right? So naturally, why wouldn't it make sense to flavor another fried potato like ketchup? Unless you are a fan of squirting packets of ketchup directly into you mouth, I reiterate, avoid these like the plague. On my list of top five things I regret most in life, right at number four with a bullet is getting Ketchup Lays instead of this bag of Doritos sitting right next to it. I am going to deflect blame to the kid in the pro shop that told me to get them because I would love them while all along knowing I was about to get duped. I bet he still laughs about that to this day.

They do have a couple potato chip flavors in India that are the same as back home but branded under different names. For example, American Style Cream and Onion is exactly the same as Sour Cream and Onion. The three chip flavors I have gotten the chance to indulge in and want to talk about are: Lime & Masala, Spanish Tomato Tango, and Caribbean Sweet 'N' Spicy Pepper.

After being in India for a while, you get used to most of the food having this one particular aftertaste. It's that same earthiness I was talking about when describing Pepsi. I am not sure if it is curry or a specific herb that is being used in the food, but it is there in nearly everything you eat. Lime & Masala flavored chips are the epitome of this. It was a weird experience eating these chips because at first when you eat them, you think, “Wow, these are good!” Then, as you keep chewing the taste evolves. It starts as this slightly spicy and zesty herb flavor spiked with a hint of lime. As the chewed chip remnants move towards the back of your mouth, ready to be swallowed, this overwhelming earthy herb taste fills your entire mouth. It's quite the sensation and amazing they can pack so many different taste experiences into one chip. It was also extremely hard to determine whether I liked it or not. I kept eating and finished the bag, thinking about quitting before I got to the end. I still had not determined by the time the bag was done whether I not I liked them or not. If it helps you figure it out at all, I haven't bought the chips again since then.

Spanish Tomato Tango, where do I start with you? I know exactly where. You are the equally evil cousin of Ketchup Lays. I'm never eating you again. I should have known with the word “Tomato” in the flavor name. Duped again!

As the saying goes, I saved the best for last. Caribbean Sweet 'N' Spicy Pepper is where it is at! Let me tell you, they are better than All Dressed chips. There is a flavor of Ruffles I remember fondly from my childhood simply called Cajun Style. They were and still are my favorite chip flavor of all time. Then they stopped making them. My second of all time is 1/3 Less Fat BBQ Pringles. Then they stopped making them (and no Reduced Fat BBQ is not the same). My third favorite of all time isn't even a potato chip but Pepperoni Pizza flavor Pizzerias made by those Keebler elves. Then they stopped making them. I can keep this going... My favorite band ever is Virgos Merlot. Then they broke up. My favorite 5-Piece dipping sauce ever at Wendy's is Sweet and Spicy Hawaiian. Then they stopped making it. My favorite soup at Quizno's of all time is Corn and Chicken Chowder. Then the franchisees voted on it and they stopped making it. Here's the deal, your best bet is to avoid anything I like because sooner or later it is going to become a thing of the past. I'm 100% surprised that Moe's Southwest Grill hasn't gone belly up yet. I give it 5 years.

Immediately upon gently placing a Caribbean Sweet 'N' Spicy chip on my tongue, I was instantly transported back to when I was three years old. I am sitting at this glass table my parents used to have in our dining room with a half eaten bag of Cajun Style Ruffles sitting just out of my reach if I am sitting in the chair. Because of this, I am sitting on my knees, leaning over the table and grabbing a handful of Ruffles. All the while my trusty can of Pepsi is sitting to my right, ready to fan the flames of the Cajun Style chips in case they get a bit too intense. You know, America's tastes are really shifting towards spicier foods. Taco Bell has the Volcano menu, Burger King has introduced the Angry Whopper and Angry Chicken Sandwich, and Wendy's has dominated the scene for quite a while with their Spicy Chicken Sandwich (and have you had the new Spicy 5-Piece!? Buddy, let me tell ya!). What I am trying to say is that this is a plea to Ruffles to consider putting Cajun Style back on the market, maybe branded under a new and more hip sounding name.

When eating a Caribbean Sweet 'N' Spicy chip, the first thing you get is a bit of spice at the front of your tongue but your mind quickly shifts to the very subtle sweetness near the middle of your mouth. At the end, you get the wonderful taste of potato as the chip has come completely together as one of the best chips out there. As you eat more, the spiciness comes a little more to the forefront and the sweet flavor takes a bit of a backseat. I love these chips and I hope to buy ten bags of them before I come home. That will only cost me 100 INR, or about $2.25. Jackpot.

The food at the hotel has been a really nice assortment of Indian food and Indian versions of what could be American foods. Before I say anything, what I have discovered is that if there is a dessert in India and the name ends with “pudding,” you are in for a treat. It's not like pudding we know, like the Jello pudding endorsed by Bill Cosby back in the day. This stuff is closer to a bread pudding. Think of a cake but ten times more moist. Moist to a point where some of it is like a syrup while other parts are closer to cake. Indian puddings have scooted up right behind crème brulee as my second favorite dessert ever. Sorry butter sugar cookies, you've fallen to number three. So far, I have had the pleasure of indulging in Choco Pudding, Walnut Pudding, Almond Pudding, Carrot Pudding, Date Pudding, Honey and Ginger Pudding, Apple Pudding, Pear Pudding, Coconut Pudding, and Banana Pudding. And they all made me swoon like a girl at an *N'Sync concert. And I'm not even a big banana fan!

I have also had my share of curried chicken and curried mutton. I like the chicken better. They have a weird habit of leaving broken bones in chicken here. That is my only problem with eating some of the chicken dishes, avoiding bones. Also, one of the big Indian staples, other than rice, are pickles. And no, not pickles like dill pickles. Here, they take herbs and roast them, then take an ingredient like garlic and pickle it with vinegar and the herbs. It turns out awesome and spicy. They also have mango pickle that doesn't really taste like mangos but is more just super spicy.

With all of the spicy foods here, you may be wondering about my bathroom habits. I am happy to report that everything has been coming out solid except for one time. I am also more regular here than at home so that is a bonus. Oh, you weren't wondering about that? Sorry about that.

Flat breads are a must at most Indian meals. The wait staff as the Paprika Cafe at the hotel have introduced me to garlic naan which is absolutely what is up. It's really just a flat bread drizzled with some olive oil and some minced garlic. The flat bread is then toasted a bit and then serves only as a medium to transport garlic to my mouth. I love garlic. I have to throw major props to the waiters at the restaurant for introducing me to garlic naan and bringing me chilled Qua (bottled water) every night without even having to ask. Eswar, Barath, Mahesh – you guys are some of the coolest Indians I've ever met.

Breakfast at the hotel has been pretty standard. My usual breakfast is bacon, these stuffed flat breads, oatmeal, and potatoes. They are all terrific. The one thing I do not eat is the chicken sausage. Chicken sausage looks like they cut a little fat kid's thumbs off and are feeding them to you too. It also sort of feels like that when you are eating them too. I'm not a cannibal so you can quit asking yourself how I know what that feels like. I just know. Imagine a small white tube of meat about two inches long that has the texture of a hotdog in your mouth. It makes me shutter thinking about it. Gross.

That brings me to lunch at the plant. We've all watched cartoons or sitcoms that depict the horrors of fictional high school cafeterias with the obese lunch ladies and the moles all over their faces. Usually, they sniffle to make sure that little bit of snot and boogers poking out of their nostrils doesn't fall into your food. That's pretty considerate I guess. Their teeth are yellow and they always look angry as they dip their ladles into buckets of unidentified glop. Okay, so I always thought things like this didn't exist. At my high school, we had some fairly decent food options like a snack bar where you could buy bagels and/or bags of chips (a staple of my high school lunch diet was an everything bagel with a layer of Nacho Cheesier Doritos stuffed in the middle – DELICIOUS). We had two different lunch lines, one usually with the healthier sandwich bar option and the other with the more unhealthy counterparts of Itza Pizza, french fries, and mashed potatoes and gravy (you could get french fries with gravy on them if your heart desired and normally your heart did desire).

Okay, well lunch at the plant is sort of like the first half of the previous paragraph but instead of gross lunch ladies, there are some fairly regular looking Indians doing the food serving. You start out with a metal tray about one foot by one and a half feet in dimensions. The front two-thirds of the tray has two sections, one about a third of the size of the other. The larger side is for the main course and the second side is for the large side dish. On the back one-third of the tray, there are four circular compartments all the same diameter.

So I have this metal tray in hand and it is wet from washing it so I grab a paper napkin and wipe the water off. I have been trying to avoid the water here unless it is bottled because they always say to not drink native water in lesser developed countries. Next, I grab a fork and spoon and wipe any excess water off of those too. After that, you come to two big pots with lids. “I wonder what is in those?” I ask myself. The first lid is removed and the guy pulls out two flat breads and sticks them in the smaller of the two large compartments on the lunch tray. The next lid is removed and inside is a huge mound of white rice. The guy then proceeds to scoops an unbelievably large amount of rice into the larger compartment. Whoa whoa whoa, there buddy! One scoop would have been fine, so in response I have been waving my hand after one scoop since that first fateful day. There are guys at the plant, likely because this will be their biggest meal of the day, who have them keep piling on the rice. It's too much rice. Some of the equipment operators at the plant have asked me what a typical meal is like in the States. That is a really a hard question to answer when someone unfamiliar with our lifestyle asks it. Think about it, how would you answer what you typically have for dinner every night? We are lucky enough at home to have access to nearly every ethnic food out there, sure some of it has been Americanized, but still has its roots in another country. If you are like me, you are having Mexican one night, a steak the next, Italian the next, maybe some Chinese takeout the next, perhaps some wings and a few beers to round out the week. Well, after doing my best to explain all of the food options we have, he then asks me how often I eat rice. I think really hard about it and think that probably once a week on average sounds about right. After I said that, his eyes grew wide with disbelief, “You only eat rice once a week!?” Here, like many cultures, rice is at every single meal. EVERY meal, which is probably why they have pickle to make it less boring.

Okay, now I have the front two-thirds of my tray filled with flat bread and rice. Next in line? Here is where I am transported to that loveable sitcom based in the 1960's and the confrontation between good and evil, our show's star and the lunch lady. I'm probably referencing The Wonder Years there. In my formative years, Winnie Cooper was where it was at! Who's with me? That's right, I see you! Anyway, the lids are removed from the buffet/banquet style metal serving dishes. You know the type, the kind they keep warm with a big pool of hot water underneath. Inside, there are two vats of something I am still unsure of what it is. One looks like baby diarrhea and the other looks like Hawaiian pizza after it has been thrown up by a drunk college kid – yes, I have seen that before.

I looked at them both for the first three days I was there and passed on them immediately. Now, I eat them. They actually taste good and are kind of like a gravy with a few vegetables here and there. I grabbed one ladle and started pouring it over my rice and the guy behind the counter waves me off and says “No, that is for the bread!” I look at the other and he says “That is for the rice.” Well, hell, I guess I should have known that.

Next down the line, there is a revolving guest star such as potatoes in curry and Indian spices or fried onions or cauliflower. That goes into a circular section of the tray. Then you can get a banana if you are a big banana fan. Bananas here are about half the size they are in a America. It's kind of funny to see. Grapes are also skinnier than the grapes I usually eat. They are about the same length, but half the width.

After that comes something that I have become quite fond of (never end a sentence with a preposition). If you have ever had the wonderful potato snack called Munchos, imagine a giant unsalted Muncho, about six inches in diameter. They usually have a giant bowl of those at the end of the cafeteria line. If I had salt, I would just salt those things up and eat giant Munchos for lunch.

All in all, the food here has been really good. I still find myself missing food back home though. The things that stand out are buffalo wings, Mexican food, and delivery style pizza. If I could only find a restaurant that serves those... Speaking of buffalo wings, when I told a guy at the plant that we eat those, his eyes got wide and said “Not many people here eat buffalo or cows.” I then had to explain what wings really are and why they are called buffalo wings. Ahh, let's wrap this up with the quote that has overseen this entire blog so far: “Calm as Hindu cows.”